Clinician Patricia Papernow divided the process of becoming
a stepfamily into three major stages. The early stage is characterized by
fantasies, confusion, and slowly getting to know others; in the middle stage
the family begins to restructure; and in the later stage, the family achieves
its own identity.
I.THE EARLY STAGES: Getting Started Without Getting Stuck
1.) FANTASY-Most remarrying couples start out not only with
the fantasy that they will love the children of the person they love and be
loved by them but that they will be welcomed into a ready-made family. They see
themselves as filling empty spots for the children, for their spouses, and for
themselves.
Children in new stepfamilies, too, have fantasies, a mixture
of hope and fear. Some children still hope that their biological parents will
reunite. Or they may fear losing or injuring one of their own parents if they
come to love a stepparent.
2.)IMMERSION.-Chaos and confusion often characterize this
stage. Familiarity and strangeness continually clash, but the problems are seen
differently by biological parents, children, and stepparents. Stepparents may
feel left out of the biological parent-child unit and may experience jealousy,
resentment, and inadequacy.
The biological parent is often caught in the middle. Some exhaust themselves trying to meet everyone's needs and make the stepfamily work; others try to deny the difficulties. Particularly in the latter case, the children may feel lost and ignored. Some children respond with tears and angry outbursts; others withdrew.
3.) AWARENESS-Members of the stepfamily get to know each
other and "map the territory" of each family member. Stepparents can
learn about the children's likes and dislikes, their friends, and their
memories without trying to influence the children. Biological parents can
articulate how much change his or her children can tolerate and try to find the
right balance between overprotecting children and asking too much of them.
Children should be encouraged to look at the positive aspects of the
stepfamily, such as the love both
parents offer, or want to offer, them
II. THE MIDDLE STAGE: RESTRUCTURING THE FAMILY
4.) MOBILIZATION-It is in this critical stage that many
stepfamilies fall apart. The stepparent's task is to identify a few important
changes that matter (such as establishing family meetings to deal with
difficult issues) and make a sustained effort to communicate these to other
family members while respecting the biological unit.
The biological parent's task is to voice the needs of her or
his children and ex-spouse while supporting and empathizing with step-parent's
concerns. Children may voice their own needs to ease the pressures of their
conflicting loyalties.
5.) ACTION- In this stage, the stepfamily can begin to make larger moves to reorganize its structure by making some truly joint decisions about how the family will operate. The stepparent begins to play a more active role in the family and the biological parent doesn't feel the pressure to be all things to all people. Both parents work together as a team in making decisions and carving time out for themselves.
III. LATER STAGES: SOLIDFYING THE STEPFAMILY
6.) CONTACT-In this stage, family members begin to interact
more easily. There is less withdrawal and more recognition of each other's
efforts when things go right. The stepparent has become a firm insider in the
adult couple relationship and has begun to forge a more intimate, authentic
relationship with at least some of the stepchildren.
7.) RESOLUTION-Relationships begin to feel comfortable. The
stepparent role is now well defined and solid. Stepparents become mentors to
some of their stepchildren. Other stepparent-stepchild relationships have
reached a mutually suitable distance. The adult step couple has become a
sanctuary, a place to turn for empathy, support, and cooperative
problem-solving. The step-family finally has a sense of character and its own
identity. (Source:P.Papernow) (bobbeethehater.blogspot.com)
