My son (and daughter), if your heart is wise, my heart will rejoice..” Pr 23:15 NKJV
AFTERNOON SUN-DAY SCHOOL LESSON: THE PARENTAL GUILT TRAP
Since there are no perfect people, there are no perfect parents. And, they are definitely, no perfect children. So though you love your children dearly, at times you’ll get tired, frustrated, disappointed, and irritable with their behavior. Unfortunately, doing this time of turmoil, many parents tend to blame themselves for the decision that their children may make during their lives, which could lead to depression, anxiety and social isolation from others. Especially, within the African-American church, where one may be judged by the faults or decisions our children decide to make.
This is known as parental disappointment or parental guilt, which usually arises after adolescence ends and young adulthood begins. Disappointment is the outcome of parental investment. Guilt is the outcome of parental implication. Both can adversely affect the relationship with the adult child (in his or her mid twenties) that is beginning to unfold.
With that understood, parenting is a process of investment. Because, most parents not only invest their care, energy, and resources in their children, they also invest their assumptions, ambitions, hopes, even dreams about how this person will turn out when grown up. The more investment parents make, the more invested they feel …. are expected, and deserved, in return.
It's like they're saying, "We worked so hard and sacrificed so much for her, the least she can do is give some of what we hoped for back!" They were treating her like she was supposed to fulfill whatever promise they thought she showed and owed.
For instance, what happens when parents, who assumed their adolescent would pursue a traditional lifestyle similar to their own, but (ends up going to jail for using drugs or for selling drugs, or becoming a stripper?) Or what happens when parents, whose ambition was for the adolescent to go to college, have a son who decides after high school that he/she wants to make a living as a musician or an actor? Or what happens when parents, who hoped their adolescent would choose to return to their home city after college and live close by, have a son or daughter who decides to move much further away? Or what happens when parents, whose dream for their adolescent included launching a career (doctor, lawyer) and remaining single until it was established, gets pregnant, gets married, and gives up the profession they were wishing she'd pursue?
"Of course, we're disappointed," declared the parents in counseling. "This is not what we planned for our child! And we told her so." "And how did she respond?" I asked. They replied, "She acted really hurt, like we had let her down, when the reverse was true! And she hasn't talked much to us since." Then I suggested that if they wanted a close and loving relationship with their adult daughter they needed to ask themselves whether their daughter was supposed to fit their expectations or whether their expectations were supposed to fit their daughter?
Their answer to this question makes a profound difference. If they believe she should live up to their expectations and is not, they will feel disappointed, and communicating that disappointment to her will to some degree alienate the adult relationship. If, however, they believe that for the sake of acceptance of a daughter they love they must adjust their expectations to fit the individual path and lifestyle she has independently chosen, then they will affirm that relationship.
Now, for the sake of enjoying an ongoing relationship, parents must do more adjusting of their expectations to accept those terms in recognition that the life they gave their daughter, and how she chooses to lead it, belongs to her, not to them. The grown child is no longer in this world to live up to parental expectations. (Source:WOT, PsyToday) (bobbeethehater.blogspot.com)
