BOBBEE BEE THE HATER: COMMUNITY GATHERING & GRIEVING: THE FAMILY "DIE" NAMICS OF DEALING WITH DEATH

COMMUNITY GATHERING & GRIEVING: THE FAMILY “DIE”-NAMICS OF DEALING WITH DEATH by e.graham

Grief is a normal process through which we work out and eventually resolve our deeply felt loss and the accompanying pain and anxieties. According to grief therapists, one of the main reasons a person suffers prolonged grief is that they have been unable to express, in their own time and in their own way, all the complexities and stages of their grief, thoughts, and emotions, and do not feel heard, acknowledged and supported. In bereavement, this may include a yearning for the deceased, a need to blame others and to express guilty feelings. When a person is having to cope with change, feelings of frustration, anger, and depression can contribute to prolonged grief. (Counseling, Milne, A)

In Biblical times, it suggested that people mourn differently. For instance, the Egyptians “allegedly” mourned for Jacob for 70 days (Gen 50:3)(This is all symbolically, of course.) While , Israel mourned and wept for Aaron and Moses for 30 days (Num.20:24(Deut.34:8).

But, we, however, should understand that the REAL grieving process takes place after the funeral ceremony when all the people are gone.-when there are no more hugs to give, no more tears to shed, no more “fake smile” to endure, no more phone calls to answer, and no more prayers to be heard.

Those, who have dealt with losing a loved one, have to bear witness to this.

SEE, while DEATH can bring us all together. It also can TEAR US ALL APART. DEATH, in fact, impacts one’s family life, sex life, social life, work life. And, even, one’s church life.

This usually happens during the time of bereavement, when there is a breakdown in communication. Especially, within the family dynamics.

For instance, the trauma of losing a loved one can turn that “sweet-loving mother,” who once got along with everyone into an aggressive or passive-aggressive person, who becomes IMPOSSIBLE to deal with in the confinement of the home. This change of personality or Dr. Jekal and Mr. Hyde duality of the soul , can fester over time, making the person short-tempered, easily annoyed, argumentative, and unbearable to live with. Especially, if the pain of losing a loved one isn’t dealt with in a proper time frame. And, in the worst-case scenario, this shattered personality becomes a permanent part of this person’s “suffering soul.”

How many of us know “mean-spirited” or bitter grandmothers, who never dealt with the pain of losing one of her children or husband?

It can be a painful and almost “unbearable” experience for the grandchildren or surviving children to deal with, as they walk on egg-shells when encountering her, as she “belittles them,” curses them, and attempts to pass-down her unhappiness to the next generation.

Yes, Death has a tendency to high-jack one’s emotions causing fluctuation in moods, where one, psychologically, goes from one extreme to another,” from depression to anger, until it leads one to eventually breakdown like that classic “DAMN, DAMN, DAMN…James” episode of Good Times, where Esther Rolle, as Florida Evans, smashed the dishes on the floor.

This “roller-coaster of emotions” usually causes one to isolate themselves or withdraw totally from the rest of the family. This self-isolation and alone time, which is designed to allow a person to relax, reflect, and release, can, however, become problematic if prolonged for an “unhealthy” moment of time.

This could leave the person becoming completely numb, where she/ can lose contact with reality, losing motivation to clean up or dress up, or beautify themselves. Which, could lead one to develop an anti-social attitude, when one decides not to communicate with the “outside world.”

This lack of motivation, isolation, and failure to communicate, unfortunately, can affect one’s job performance, due to lack of concentration and rest, which leads to unwanted stress, and irritability with co-workers, who, seem to be poking all their buttons. Even, if, they are generally concerned about their overall well-being.

“I just want to go to work, get my check, and go back home. That’s it. Ya’ll need to leave me alone”

Unfortunately, this attitude can leave the 9 to 5 during the week and walk into the CHURCH on Sunday Morning, where they could infect the congregation, the preacher, the choir, and the ushers, whether Consciously or Sub-consciously. That person, with their snobbish attitude, “heartened heart” becomes so STUCK in the “quicksand of their own GRIEF, often tries to pull others into their depths of spiritual uncertainty.

This self-isolation and failure to communicate, NOT only can have a DEVASTATING impact on THE CHURCH but on one’s romantic life and marriage as well as. SEE, the failure to communicate can affect the emotional, intimate and sexual relationship with one’s spouse, which could lead to divorce, if the person fails or loses the desire to heal from their traumatic lost.

Movie Director Tyler Perry tried to address this issue in his film Why Did I Get Married, when Janet Jackson and Malik Yoba battled over the loss of their child in a traumatic car crash.

Most pastors and houses of worship, unfortunately, fail to realize the impact death can have on a marriage. For, I know several men, who in their TRUE BARBER SHOW CONFESSIONS admitted that their wives were never the same after “losing their mother or their son until it destroyed their marriage. Because, their wives, sadly, had lost their ability to love again, or enjoy life. Whether, it was simply “going out” to a party, restaurant, movie, vacation, comedy club, dance or sporting event.

DEATH, however, not only attacks the institution of marriage. But, it also can creep into the parental process, where a once “loving and responsible” father, who was fair and balanced, after losing a loved one, can become an abusive dictator and a terrorist within his own home. This abuse of power and authority as the head of the household can come in the form of verbal abuse, mean-spirited language, cursing, name-calling, and physical abuse toward his children along with his wife. Some men, not only abuse their families. But they also abuse alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism in order to deal with death. (Women included)

How many of us know an uncle or aunt, who have used drugs, as a form of self-medication, whether marijuana, cigarettes, cocaine, heroin, or alcohol to numb the pain of loss and the sting of death, which led to their addiction and the breakdown of the family social order.

With all the turmoil death can cause, sometimes families fail to validate their children, who also are trying to understand and process their own inner grief, which usually goes unnoticed, despite all the threats of one going to Hell from a fire and brimstone preacher and shouting of their aunties.

Children, despite what one may think, also need to be comforted and embraced, while being educated about the 5 stages of Grief. Which are: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Sadness 4. Bargaining and 5. Acceptance.

I have witnessed too many funerals where children’s emotions are never properly addressed, which flare up later in school, at home, and in their neighborhood, in the form of fights with friends, poor grades, disciplinary problems in school, involvement with gangs and even drug usages, which could affect their physical, emotional, and psychological mental health.

As we consider all of these scenarios surrounding the bereavement process, one should realize it is a matter of the “HEART, MIND, AND SOUL, which triggers our emotional memory, perception of reality, and logical reasoning about loss and death. So, families should take a plan of action in order to process and heal from their pain through music, meditation, prayer, counseling, psychotherapy, pastoral instruction, or emotional support groups.

For, in the New Testament, Christ’s work removed the dread and pain of death (1 Cor 15:50-55)

Now, this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption. Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

(bobbeethehater.blogspot.com) (Source:T.Hall)