BOBBEE BEE THE HATER: COMMUNITY GATHERING & GRIEVING: THE FAMILY "DIE" NAMICS OF DEALING WITH DEATH

COMMUNITY GATHERING & GRIEVING: THE FAMILY “DIE”-NAMICS OF DEALING WITH DEATH by e.graham

Grief is a normal process through which we work out and eventually resolve our deeply felt loss and the accompanying pain and anxieties. According to grief therapists, one of the main reasons a person suffers prolonged grief is that they have been unable to express, in their own time and in their own way, all the complexities and stages of their grief, thoughts, and emotions, and do not feel heard, acknowledged and supported. In bereavement, this may include a yearning for the deceased, a need to blame others and to express guilty feelings. When a person is having to cope with change, feelings of frustration, anger, and depression can contribute to prolonged grief. (Counseling, Milne, A)

In Biblical times, it suggested that people mourn differently. For instance, the Egyptians “allegedly” mourned for Jacob for 70 days (Gen 50:3)(This is all symbolically, of course.) While , Israel mourned and wept for Aaron and Moses for 30 days (Num.20:24(Deut.34:8).

But, we, however, should understand that the REAL grieving process takes place after the funeral ceremony when all the people are gone.-when there are no more hugs to give, no more tears to shed, no more “fake smile” to endure, no more phone calls to answer, and no more prayers to be heard.

Those, who have dealt with losing a loved one, have to bear witness to this.

SEE, while DEATH can bring us all together. It also can TEAR US ALL APART. DEATH, in fact, impacts one’s family life, sex life, social life, work life. And, even, one’s church life.

This usually happens during the time of bereavement, when there is a breakdown in communication. Especially, within the family dynamics.

For instance, the trauma of losing a loved one can turn that “sweet-loving mother,” who once got along with everyone into an aggressive or passive-aggressive person, who becomes IMPOSSIBLE to deal with in the confinement of the home. This change of personality or Dr. Jekal and Mr. Hyde duality of the soul , can fester over time, making the person short-tempered, easily annoyed, argumentative, and unbearable to live with. Especially, if the pain of losing a loved one isn’t dealt with in a proper time frame. And, in the worst-case scenario, this shattered personality becomes a permanent part of this person’s “suffering soul.”

How many of us know “mean-spirited” or bitter grandmothers, who never dealt with the pain of losing one of her children or husband?

It can be a painful and almost “unbearable” experience for the grandchildren or surviving children to deal with, as they walk on egg-shells when encountering her, as she “belittles them,” curses them, and attempts to pass-down her unhappiness to the next generation.

Yes, Death has a tendency to high-jack one’s emotions causing fluctuation in moods, where one, psychologically, goes from one extreme to another,” from depression to anger, until it leads one to eventually breakdown like that classic “DAMN, DAMN, DAMN…James” episode of Good Times, where Esther Rolle, as Florida Evans, smashed the dishes on the floor.

This “roller-coaster of emotions” usually causes one to isolate themselves or withdraw totally from the rest of the family. This self-isolation and alone time, which is designed to allow a person to relax, reflect, and release, can, however, become problematic if prolonged for an “unhealthy” moment of time.

This could leave the person becoming completely numb, where she/ can lose contact with reality, losing motivation to clean up or dress up, or beautify themselves. Which, could lead one to develop an anti-social attitude, when one decides not to communicate with the “outside world.”

This lack of motivation, isolation, and failure to communicate, unfortunately, can affect one’s job performance, due to lack of concentration and rest, which leads to unwanted stress, and irritability with co-workers, who, seem to be poking all their buttons. Even, if, they are generally concerned about their overall well-being.

“I just want to go to work, get my check, and go back home. That’s it. Ya’ll need to leave me alone”

Unfortunately, this attitude can leave the 9 to 5 during the week and walk into the CHURCH on Sunday Morning, where they could infect the congregation, the preacher, the choir, and the ushers, whether Consciously or Sub-consciously. That person, with their snobbish attitude, “heartened heart” becomes so STUCK in the “quicksand of their own GRIEF, often tries to pull others into their depths of spiritual uncertainty.

This self-isolation and failure to communicate, NOT only can have a DEVASTATING impact on THE CHURCH but on one’s romantic life and marriage as well as. SEE, the failure to communicate can affect the emotional, intimate and sexual relationship with one’s spouse, which could lead to divorce, if the person fails or loses the desire to heal from their traumatic lost.

Movie Director Tyler Perry tried to address this issue in his film Why Did I Get Married, when Janet Jackson and Malik Yoba battled over the loss of their child in a traumatic car crash.

Most pastors and houses of worship, unfortunately, fail to realize the impact death can have on a marriage. For, I know several men, who in their TRUE BARBER SHOW CONFESSIONS admitted that their wives were never the same after “losing their mother or their son until it destroyed their marriage. Because, their wives, sadly, had lost their ability to love again, or enjoy life. Whether, it was simply “going out” to a party, restaurant, movie, vacation, comedy club, dance or sporting event.

DEATH, however, not only attacks the institution of marriage. But, it also can creep into the parental process, where a once “loving and responsible” father, who was fair and balanced, after losing a loved one, can become an abusive dictator and a terrorist within his own home. This abuse of power and authority as the head of the household can come in the form of verbal abuse, mean-spirited language, cursing, name-calling, and physical abuse toward his children along with his wife. Some men, not only abuse their families. But they also abuse alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism in order to deal with death. (Women included)

How many of us know an uncle or aunt, who have used drugs, as a form of self-medication, whether marijuana, cigarettes, cocaine, heroin, or alcohol to numb the pain of loss and the sting of death, which led to their addiction and the breakdown of the family social order.

With all the turmoil death can cause, sometimes families fail to validate their children, who also are trying to understand and process their own inner grief, which usually goes unnoticed, despite all the threats of one going to Hell from a fire and brimstone preacher and shouting of their aunties.

Children, despite what one may think, also need to be comforted and embraced, while being educated about the 5 stages of Grief. Which are: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Sadness 4. Bargaining and 5. Acceptance.

I have witnessed too many funerals where children’s emotions are never properly addressed, which flare up later in school, at home, and in their neighborhood, in the form of fights with friends, poor grades, disciplinary problems in school, involvement with gangs and even drug usages, which could affect their physical, emotional, and psychological mental health.

As we consider all of these scenarios surrounding the bereavement process, one should realize it is a matter of the “HEART, MIND, AND SOUL, which triggers our emotional memory, perception of reality, and logical reasoning about loss and death. So, families should take a plan of action in order to process and heal from their pain through music, meditation, prayer, counseling, psychotherapy, pastoral instruction, or emotional support groups.

For, in the New Testament, Christ’s work removed the dread and pain of death (1 Cor 15:50-55)

Now, this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption. Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

(bobbeethehater.blogspot.com) (Source:T.Hall)

BOBBEE BEE THE HATER: DRAFTED ON THE EVE OF ENVY

 

"Rachel ENVIED her sister..." Gen 30:1

SUN-DAY SCHOOL LESSON: DRAFTED ON THE EVE OF ENVY by e.graham

 A day after the 2022 NFL Draft, where the world celebrated all 262 players, who realized their dreams of having an opportunity to play professional football, which ended with Mr. Irrelevant, Iowa State's QB Brock Purdy, we must warn those players, who were selected about one of the deadliest of the seven deadly sins that reside in the soul of man, known as ENVY, "The Mother of Murder." 

Why? Because, while, it seems, as if, everyone is cheering for their newfound success and potential financial riches, they are also those, who envy their potential rise to stardom.

While this spirit of ENVY can come from strangers, former teammates, and other athletes, who weren't lucky to be drafted, unfortunately, it can also appear within one's own family unit-whether it's a brother, sister, cousin, father, close friend or girlfriend, who were invited and sat in the room at their selection party, with a cellphone. recording the celebration as their names were being called on national television.

It's sad but true. Because, while these newly drafted athletes were putting on their freshly fitted NFL caps, proudly displaying their logos, as their eyes teared up with joy, somewhere, in that room, someone was fighting the emotion of ENVY.

I know this sounds odd. But, even, within the Biblical text, we have read about sibling rivalries that were, intensified by animosity and resentment between Jacob & Esau (Gen 27:35,) Cain & Abel (Gen 4:8), Rachel and Leah (Gen 30:1) Joesph and his brothers (Gen 37:11), because one was favored over the other.

This ugly emotion, known as ENVY, can rear its head like a poisonous King Cobra rattlesnake striking all families, not just the ones labeled dysfunctional, subconsciously or consciously, which could lead one to destroy life-long relationships within family units through "blackmail" by revealing "family secrets" to the media in order to harm one's chances to succeed, frequent family conflicts due to request of large sums of money, based on the philosophy that "you got it; don't you," and continuous attempts of self-sabotage through endless fights and arguments, which could lead to prison time-whether it's a result of a girlfriend or future wife, who can't handle all the attention one is receiving. Therefore, she uses the birth of a newborn baby as a bargaining tool for leverage along with her sexuality to cause one to be jealous (Prov 6:34)

Or, a father/mother, who due to lack of opportunity in the past along with generational curses, which continue to haunt the family (drug addiction, alcoholism) has come to believe that "no one in the family- is supposed to make it out of the ghetto or become successful." So, they, even though, their son has reached the pinnacle of success, can't come to grip to congratulate him.

Therefore, they just watch in silence. But, when given an opportunity to speak, ONLY fill his head with negativity, belittling him about not being selected higher or suggesting that he should have gone to another team.

Or, a brother/sister, may sarcastically joke-that another player is better, one probably will get injured, cut by pre-season, out of the league in three years, while ending up the first-round bust.

This was highlighted in the classic 1996 film Jerry Maguire, where the character Tee-Pee, played by comedian Aries Spears constantly downplayed his brother Rod Tidwell, a wide receiver for  Arizona Cardinal portrayed by Cuba Gooding Jr.

So, while pondering all of this a day after the 2022 NFL draft, one should BEWARE of this envious spirit, which lingers in the hearts of some of OUR family members by::

1. NOT BEING AFRAID TO RECOGNIZE IT

2. NOT BEING NAIVE TO DENY IT

3. TRY NO TO MINIMIZE IT, INTERNALIZE IT OR WRESTLE WITH IT, where it moves one to anger or depression

4. TRY NOT TO JUSTIFY IT

5. SET BOUNDARIES, AVOID NEGATIVITY BY NOT GIVING THEM ACCESS TO YOUR DREAMS

6. BE WISE, CHEER FOR YOURSELF.

7.  PROTECT, NURTURE YOUR DREAMS AND CONTINUE TO WALK IN YOUR GREATNESS,  (bobbeethehater.blogspot.com) (Source:T.Hall)