BOBBEE BEE: Talking to Children About Death pt.1

projected coordinated by Donna L.Wilson, MSW, LCSW,Clinical Center Social Work Department and June L. McCalia, RN, MSN,Consultant,Clinical Center Nursing Department with the assistance of Wendy Schubert, Sc.M,Office of Clinical Center Communication

 

Introduction

 

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you are not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it, and so must our children. If we are to help them, we must let them know it's okay to talk about it.

By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know; if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by providing information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk, we are even more limited in our ability to help.

What we say about the death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations in which we find ourselves, for each situation we face is some-what different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere. Other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.

Children are aware.

Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see birds, insects, and animals lying by the road. They may see death at least once a day on television. They hear about it in fairy tales and act it out in their play. Death is a part of everyday life, and children, at some level, are aware of it.
 

If we permit children to talk to us about death, we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis, and help them when they are upset. We can encourage their communication by showing interest in and respect for what they say. We can also make it easier for them to talk to us  if we are open, honest, and comfortable with our own feelings.

Perhaps we can make it easier for ourselves and for our children if we take a closer look at some of the problems that might communication difficult.

Communication barriers

Avoidance, confrontation

Many of us are inclined not to talk about things that upset us. We try to put a lid on our feelings and hope that saying nothing will be for the best. But not talking about something does not mean that we are not communicating. Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say.

When we avoid talking about something that is obviously upsetting, children often hesitate to bring up the subject or ask questions about it. To a child, avoidance can be a message: "If Mommy and Daddy can't talk about it, it must be bad, so I better not talk about it either." In effect, instead of protecting our children by avoiding talk, we sometimes cause them more worry and keep them from telling us how they feel. The child's fear of the unknown is worse than facing the reality. The child may fantasize and create the worst scenario.

On the other hand, it is also not wise to confront children with information that they may not understand or want to know. As with any sensitive subject, we must seek a delicate balance that encourages children to communicate: a balance between avoidance and confrontation. This balance is not easy to achieve. It involves the following: 

trying to be sensitive to children's desires
to communicate when they are ready maintaining an openness that encourages children's attempts
 to communicate listening to and accepting children's feelings  
offering children honest explanations when we are obviously upset 
answering questions in simple language appropriate for their age 
trying to find brief, simple, and appropriate answers to children's questions
 understandable answers which do not overwhelm them with too many words.-

Perhaps most difficult of all, communicating about death involves examining our own feelings and beliefs so that we can talk to our children naturally when opportunities arise.

Not having all the answers.

When talking with children, many of us feel uncomfortable if we do not have all the answers. Young children, in particular, seem to expect parents to be all knowing, even about death. But death, the one certainty in life, is life's greatest uncertainty. Coming to terms with death can be a lifelong process. We may find different answers at different stages of our lives, or we may always feel uncertain and fearful. If we have unresolved fears and questions, we may wonder how to provide comforting answers to our children.

While not all our answers may be comforting, we can share what we truly believe. Where we have doubts, an honest, "I just don't know the answer to that one," may be more comforting than an explaination that we do not quite believe. Children usually sense our doubts, White lies,  no matter how well intended, can create uneasiness and distrust. Sooner or later, our children will learn that we are not all knowing. We can make this discovery easier to them if we calmly and matter-of-factly tell them that we do not have all the answers.

Our nondefensive and accepting attitude may also help them feel better about not knowing everything.


It may help tell our children that different people believe different things, and that not everyone believes as we do. For example, some believe in an afterlife, others do not. By indicting our acceptance and respect for others' beliefs, we make it easier for our children to choose beliefs different from our own but which are more comforting to them.-

Part 2 of Talking to Children About Death coming soon.