by Jessica PressWhen Amy Werner became pregnant, she thought her fairy tale was about to begin. "My husband and I had been best friends fo 11 years-I couldn't wait to be parents, "she says. Cut to five months after the birth of her child, that grueling time before infants fall into a sane schedule:" I thought I was going to kill my amazing husband! I felt a level of resentment I'd never felt before about the fact that my life had changed completely, while his seemed to go on like always."
As confused as Werner may have felt, she's hardly alone, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great, "I hear this all the time, she notes. "It doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship. It just means you're trying to do too much." Another reason for tension: Post-baby, a couple's lifestyle-how much they sleep, how they structure their day -changes drastically, says Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.; author of A Guide for Couples. Add in anixety-triggering pressure to feel positive about parenthood (not to mention sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormones, and reduction in exercise) and it's no wonder you're likely to be seething at each other.
Still, the most important thing you can do for your kids is to work on your relationship. Unfortunately, simply having a date night (that frequently touted, one-size-fits-all solution for all relationship woes) probably won't do the trick. "It can't hurt, but it won't 'fix" things. either," says Dr. Hendrix. What will? Try this advice.
Get a sitter-stat.
You know how it is during the first months after giving birth: There are days when just
showering is a big accomplishment. "I felt so unproductive all the time." admits Carrie Turkovich, of Buffalo. "I went from having a a career to doing laundry and washing the dishes-and on days when I couldn't finish that. I projected so much frustration on my husband." Still, she says, she didn't feel entitled to any assistance to free up some of her time: My new job was being a mom, and I felt like I should've been able to handle it on my own."But putting that kind of pressure on yourself isn't healthy, says New York City marriage therapist Rachel A.Sussman. As hard as it may be to feel justified in leaving our kid with a sitter or at day care, if you're willing to enlist help now and then, you're more likely to feel good and less likely to resent your partner. "Kids grow up healthier when they see their parents being happy and loving each other," Sussman explains. Turkovich's despair led her to that very realization: "Devoting everything to mothering made me start to lose my sense of individuality and my confidence and ability to contribute anything to my relationship. So now, she takes advantage of the local preschool and nearby relatives to get some downtime. "I realized that you can't be a good mom, or have a good relationship, if you give up everything that makes you feel good."
Sneak in some bonding sessions.
The key to relationship satisfaction. Spend quality time with your partner every day, says M.Gary Neuman, author of Connect to Love: The Keys to Transformating Your Relationship. Just ten minutes can make a difference- as long as they're uninterrupted -so there's real payoff to making the most of even those short blocks of time when your child is chilling in his bouncy seat or has finally asleep.
Yes, it tempting to try to use those stretches to attack your to-do list, but you'll feel a greater benefit from taking a few moments to cuddle on the couch with your partner and share your interests and goals.
Take a step back.
"Let dads be dads," says Joshua Coleman, Ph.D, psychologist and author of The Lazy Husband:How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework.
"When men help with housework and child care, women are happier with their relationship." Dr. Obuch points out. "It doesn't have to be a fifty fifty division of labor; if you think it's a fair contribution, that's what matters." Plus, men have a different way of communicating and handling things, a perspective that kids should have.
Buddy up
As stressful as it may feel to leave the house, the relationship will thank you for seeking out a book club, a yoga class, or a new-mom's group. "Mom need understanding, and your partner likely won't satisfy your every need for conversations about parenthood." Having that outlet doesn't just alleviate pressure on your relationship-it creates a chemical change in your brain, Dr.Hendrix explains. "The cortisol level that's been elevated by your frustraton will begin to relax because you're feeling listened to."
Ask for ( and give) plenty of praise.
Studies have proven that gratitude leads to better mental health," Neuman points out. "And moms more than anyone need to feel appreciated." Moms need for you to tell them what great moms they are...."
Also (new moms) must recognize that men often convey affection through action (like putting gas in your car, or shoveling the snow); you don't want to miss how your partner is showing his appreciation, Dr. Orbuch says. Still don't feel the love? You might try complimenting your husband more, which should inspire him to do the same for you.
Finally, don't forget to compliment yourselves as a couple. According to Sussman, this just may be the simplest, most powerful thing you can do for your relationship. Congratulate yourselves for investing physically and emotionally like you never have before in these exilarating, exhausting roles. You might turn to your husband while flipping through baby pics on your iPhone, and say "For two people who had no idea what they were really getting into, wer're doing a great job." Because as parents, we're good at being our children's cheerleaders-but we need to cheer for ourselves too. <>
